nothing
i dont know how to be a person and it ruins my day to day life. i've met people who are people, but they are not me and i am not them. "me" feels unfair, as "me" refers to a person, of which i am not. the ways in which you become a person in totality are alien to me. they do not scan. i don't know how to not be jealous when someone i care about talks to other people. i don't know how to not be hurt by things that do not matter to other people. i do not understand what it means to live. i have never done it. i will never do it. living is something out of my grasp, something that exists somewhere outside the mound i've been born on, the mound that i build my life on. there's nothing here for me, and there'll never be anything here for me. to live would be to uproot everything i have. to accept that i need to have worse to be alive. i know it to be true, but i don't want to accept it.
i want to be happy.
i want to feel the warmth of others.
i want to know what it's like to wake up every morning with a purpose
i want to know what it's like to wake up every morning next to someone you love.
i want to know what it's like to experience happiness as something more than just a fleeting thought that worms its way into your head and eats your brain.
i want to be.
i want to be alive. i want to live. i want to know what it's like.
when you tell others you don't know what it's like to be alive, or what it's like to live, you get told "me neither" or "youre alive" or "just give it time" and giving it time is such a great answer. because it's true. give everything time and it changes. a fruit with time is mold and rot and its own ecosystem. and i feel like the more time i give myself, the more of that i see in myself.
do i deserve to live? no. someone like me is better off dead, my maligned thinking sentenced to a hell beneath the ground. someone who feels the way i do shouldn't be allowed to be around other people.
i just want to hurt people. i want to know what it's like to hurt people. all of the people i loved in life hurt me, so why can't i do it back. doing it emotionally isnt what i want. it means nothing to me. hurting others for the sake of it is boring. i want to hurt someone and i want to leave marks and scars they'll never forget. even if i am a forgettable person, even if they hate me, i want them to look down at themselves and think of me. i want them to think of me whenever they do anything. i want proof that i existed. not that i lived, god knows ive never lived. but that something in the shape of me was there. is that so wrong? hurting people is bad or whatever. i dont care. i want to leave scars across someones back or shoulders or arms or thighs that they cant get rid of. i want to sign my name in the only way i know how, pain.
i want to know what it was like to hurt me. if it happened so much, clearly there was a point to it. clearly it felt good, right? deluding yourself into thinking that youre doing the right thing. knowing deeply that you're hurting someone irreparably. my scars arent visible. not the ones others inflicted on me, the only scars others can see are the ones i put there myself. a visual representation of the pain others inflicted that won't leave me for my entire life. it's disgusting to think it's okay to hurt others if nobody can see. to leave invisible scars on the inside. if i want to hurt someone, if i get to hurt someone, i want to do it where they can see. i want them to know. i want them to think about it as much as i do. i want them to look down at their own body and feel the same disgust i do when i look inwards. i am nothing without the ways others hurt me, and for that i'm glad they did. i wish they hurt me more. i wish they hurt me in ways other people would've been worried about.
i wish i was a person. i wish i had anything to myself. i have no identity, just an amalgam of the things i see and people i know. and the things i see hurt me, and the people i know hurt me, and i have nothing and am nothing and can expect nothing. i so desperately want to have an identity. i put "myself" into everything i do. my side vent blog has to have a custom domain. my accounts need to have websites. everything needs to be distinctly me, my profile picture and name has to change based on how i feel that month. it changes constantly. i am nothing and i am noone. nobody wants me around because i am on a hair trigger at all times for not even being a person. i wish i were dead but the effort that would takes not worth it.